Anyone Happen to See My Sanity Anywhere??
Hi all! If you’re seeing this, you are seeing the Christmas newsletter I sent out. If you find me even remotely funny, you may want to go ahead and subscribe to my newsletter, located on my front page, so you don’t miss stories like these! I won’t be posting all of them in my blog.
Happy holidays to all of you! No matter how you celebrate, even if you don’t and you just enjoy the extra days off and the bonus holiday pay, I hope you’re all having a wonderful holiday season!
So…you know what I decided to do this year?
Listen y’all…don’t do this. It’s a bad idea. You will research projects and pick all the most difficult ones. You’ll find out the ones you love are hard to find components for. You will tear your hair out making umpteen trips to the craft store (45 minutes away for us) and find out what seems like every other person on the planet is there, waiting in line. When they reach their turn at the register, they’re having the price checked of every item in their overflowing cart, one item at a time, and saying yay or nay on each item. You will want to beat those people with a roll of wrapping paper.
You will find out the only way to stay under $25 per gift, after multiple trips to the craft store, is to not calculate the gas money, and also by buying each item in separate orders using those nifty 50% off coupons. You’ll spend that 50% you saved on the cross stitch threads and supplies your college-age daughter needs to finish her projects. You’ll do it because she looks at you with that pathetic, broke-ass college life, ramen-eating face that you can’t say no to.
Then, you will realize, crap, you have to make those gifts in front of your kids because there’s no way to hide bulk body scrub making. Seriously, there isn’t. Oh…and just because you need variety, you’ll also order 25 pounds of goat’s milk soap and molds to pour it into. This means carving and microwaving 25 pounds of soap. This means blisters. And swearing…lots of swearing.
You’ll have 15 different essential oils and dozens of colors for these wonderful soaps. You’ll make awesome little bird soaps that require you to print out vintage bird images for wrapping paper. On your last pour, you will make something awful. You’ll go for a cool color, a unique, often misunderstood essential oil, and you’ll pour it in the nifty little mustache soap mold you have. It will be taupe which is just another word for dirty pinkish-purple. It will smell like tainted eucalyptus because of the overuse of color. It will shimmer like a sweaty stripper you threw glitter on. Your last round of mustache soap will be an epic fail that even your kids, who totally dig mustaches, will shun with disdain.
You will sand your mother’s gift around the edges to make it look distressed, you know, like you feel, but you will be so tired, you will sand it in your office thinking it’s going to be a quick job when it’s not. You will then finish, find out the item is too big for any box you possess. Trying not to burst into tears of frustration, you will then dust and vacuum your office because your previous error in judgement resulted in your sanctuary being covered in white dust that makes you look like you were giving the gift of cocaine for Christmas.
You will make body scrubs, in four varieties, 44 in all, 11 of each. Pay attention to those numbers, they’ll be important later. You’ll then start packing boxes to ship. You’ll do this at 9 p.m. in your office with only your 4-foot-tall office tree and a lamp for soft light because hey, Vikings is on the History channel and yo, is there any other way to gaze at Ragnar Lothbrok for an hour? When you’re done, you’ll go looking for something and turn on the overhead light to aid in your search. You’ll glance back at the body scrubs left over and shit…you should have four sets left, but no, you have 8 peach, 5 green, 3 yellow, and 0 white. Why? Because you’re awesome and that mood lighting didn’t help you in your endeavors. All of a sudden Ragnar doesn’t seem so worth it.
You’ll put a status on Facebook about your faux pas and your friends will all think you’ve learned to laugh about it…maybe next year, but hey, at least they got a laugh out of it. Next day, you’ll search all the boxes and find out that all the sets you packed were complete. So what happened? You should have looked at all of your body scrubs, including the ones you had set aside in a box because you had re-glued the embellishments that had popped off the lids. Gorilla glue? I call bullshit on that. You’ll discover that you also had more sets than you thought because apparently all these DIY projects have fried your ability to count.
The silver lining…at least I hadn’t put the shipping labels on the boxes yet!
It’s December 23rd and I would love to tell you I’m done. I’m not. I bought the stuff to make homemade candles for the kids in an effort to make them a gift they don’t see before Christmas morning. I have one who will be away for a while this morning and one who will be away for a while tonight. So it looks like candle making will be in two sessions.
This is DIY at its finest folks!
Really, I do love it despite the fact that it drives me nuts. It pushes every button I possess, but it reminds my whole family that Christmas is not about going further into debt to make sure everyone has their commercial crap. It’s about going out of your mind, losing sleep, driving yourself absolutely batshit to show your family how much you love them by pushing yourself to the limits of sanity and reason in order to deliver a thoughtful gift they will forget about fifteen minutes after they open it.
Now, amid all of this chaos…sadness. My youngest turned 18 yesterday. No more filling stockings for the kids. They’re all officially adults so it’s time to stop. I tell them in the car, on the way to the store, that this will be the last year and they both flip out. Bronwyn points out that Ariana has been getting a stocking for two extra years because she is two years older and I filled them both so Ariana would not feel left out. A solid argument. Ariana says that the stocking is her favorite part. She rather have that than gifts. Bronwyn tells me I can’t stop filling stockings, I’ll kill Christmas if I do.
Ariana looks at me and says, “You’ll be filling stockings until your dead.”
So there it is folks…I’ll be filling stockings until I’m dead.
Merry Christmas 😉
Now back to finishing up Silent Killers – A Mental Health Awareness Anthology releasing January 3rd and Falling in Angels Falls releasing January 12th!